I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
As shirtless as possible
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
