He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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