I accidentally had phone sex last night
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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