Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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