I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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