I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize