Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
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