i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
