you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
