Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
