I'm going to jail i love you
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
