Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I deserve this hangover.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
