I think I won the penis lottery.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
