At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
