How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
