period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
