I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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