i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
