why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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