wakey wakey hands off snakey
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
