Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize