My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
