tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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