I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
