i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
