i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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