actually, I'm a sock model
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
