My Higher Power is John Stamos
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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