I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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