Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
