I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
