I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
