she looked like the bat from fern gully.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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