Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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