I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
