lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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