If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
