The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
