omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
