I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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