did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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