Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
