How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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