just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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