so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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