I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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