Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
