For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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