Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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