i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize