There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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