Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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