Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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