she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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