I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
