life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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