One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I need to calm my uterus...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
