remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
