My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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