I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
