I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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