Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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